Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Naked Eye

Things you may or may not know about me:

1) I'm genetically balding. Thankfully, Rogaine has worked so far, but my hair will never be the same.

2) I'm related to a very famous samurai.

3) I am horrible at math. I got a D in algebra.

4) I have really dry skin. And hangnails. And dandruff. And chapped lips. (ugh)

5) I can do a handspring.

6) Sometimes, I get a really cold nose.

7) Coca-cola makes me slightly insane.

8) I love public speaking.

9) I have not had a haircut in almost a year.

10) I can read incredibly fast. But that's mostly because I skip all of the long paragraphs and go directly to the dialogue...which in turn, forces me to go back and read the long paragraphs.

By the way, even though I'm losing my hair and have extremely dry skin and chapped lips, I'm not all that horrible to look at. Really.

Someone Special

I think I've realized a reason why I've been so drawn to the story of Amanda Davis.

It's the tributes from those who know her that describe a person I've always wanted to meet. Actually, it's about some people I already have met. Two people, to be exact.

I can't say I've thought about them recently. I don't have much inclination to track them down, though if I tried hard enough, I probably could. Maybe I'm afraid we've changed too much, or that there wouldn't be anything to talk about once the catching up was over with.

But in my memories they are two people who affected me deeply, even if only for a short time.

The first is a girl named Beka that I met my sophomore year in high school. She was a junior. We came across one another while in a play. She didn't seem like the type to be into theater. She was quirky and somewhat popular, but totally herself, which I admired.

At about 5' tall, sort of scrawny, with a spray of freckles and strawberry blond hair, Beka was cute in all of the ways a girl can be when she's not trying too hard, not overdressing or overdoing anything. In fact, I mostly saw her traipsing around in corduroys and old man looking sweaters or t-shirts, in big black combat boots.

I have no idea to this day why she took an interest in me, why for a couple of months she took me under her wing, adopted me and seemed to think I had a magnetic force that somehow matched hers.

She was funny, actually, hilarious and smart. I can't say I ever saw anything less than a smile from her usually.

It's kind of funny how we drifted apart. At the time, I was also semi-friends with a senior named Gina. But I wasn't ready for all of the drinking and partying she was into, so eventually she let me go and sort of simultaneously gained Beka, saw in her all of the things I had too.

I think seeing them together made me jealous and sad.

The second is my first roommate in college, Tamara. When I first enrolled at the university, I was assigned a group room in a converted study area because the other rooms were already filled. When my dad found out, he was furious and wrote the administration a letter, saying unless I was put in a room with one other person, he wasn't sending me there. I was bumped from 47 to 1.

After my parents dropped me off that first day, she and I started unpacking our things. She had already chosen the top bunk, which I was happy about. As we got down to the bottom of our boxes and bags, one of us slowly pulled out a bottle of liquor, to see how the other reacted. In which, the other of us pulled out our bottle of liquor. We laughed.

That night, she left me alone to go to a party. I was bummed and cried myself to sleep.

But soon after we became fast friends. She was so different from all of the other drab people I had met at school. We listened to a lot of Ani DiFranco and Bjork. We both got piercings about three months in, hers a tongue ring, mine an eyebrow. We'd sleep in really, really late on Sunday, but still tried to haul ass to brunch, which was the only meal served on campus from 11-2.

Tamara was tall, skinny and blond. She had light eyes, hazel or gray. She kept her hair in a slanted bob. She liked to shop at thrift stores and spent the winter in a big, army green coat and mittens. She gave me a nickname.

Eventually she got a boyfriend, a guy I wasn't too fond off. We stayed roommates the next year when we moved to an apartment with two other girls. But we sort of drifted apart.

Once I transferred, we stayed in touch even less.

These two girls are examples of that person we are all desperately trying to meet. It's more than just a connection. It's almost entirely them, someone so unique and special they can't be forgotten. It's also a friendship, however brief, that you cherish because of the person you became because of them. A bond that made you feel fortunate just to know them.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Saving Money and Stuff

Ever since we opened our savings account for the New York move, Boat has been very diligent and all thrifty, saving hundreds of dollars each month and making my $200 per paycheck look rather pathetic.

I vowed that once my raise kicked in, I would be contributing to his level, though with Christmas shopping and a trip to Mexico with my cousin, it may take a month to catch up.

I started thinking about what I *could* be spending my money on if it weren't for this move. Mind you, it's not with true heartache that I won't be buying any of the following, but it was sort of not that fun to think about, briefly.

1.) A condo. If Boat and I were saving at the rate we are saving at, we could have a sizable downpayment within 18 months. That, my friend, was one crazy thought. Personally, I'm not ready to own a place, and I don't think he is either, so while it's a huge purchase, it's not all that cool.

2.) A car. Specifically: a Honda civic hybrid, probably black. I could definitely afford a car payment and insurance. But what do I really need a new car for? I'm using my dad's right now and all I have to do is pay for gas, oil changes and the occasional car wash. Plus, since it's nine years old, it's not a big deal when it's bumped or scratched.

3.) New clothes. Oh how I'd love to buy flashy new outfits and shoes for going out. But wait...I don't go out much anymore. Furthermore, when I have money, I don't like spending it. Especially on things like clothes.

4.) Extravagant gifts for family and friends. This sounds like a lot of fun, and I will probably indulge in this a little, but the truth is, there really isn't anything I know of that someone would really, really, want that would also be an appropriate gift from me. Plus, when you buy something like this for someone (at least some of the time), you wonder if it's just one more thing they pile on to stuff they already have and don't use.

5.) An all expense paid vacation for me and Boat. Now this one is really hard to brush off as something I don't want. Yet, the mere idea of moving to a new city is sort of vacation in it of itself. Plus, even though there are plenty of places we'd both love to visit, none of them are destinations we're dying to get to today. I guess I figure this kind of thing can wait.

So much for blowing wads of cash on something fun and exciting. To be honest, seeing our savings account grow is actually kinda fun/cool.

People We Never Get To Meet

I was having one of those "I'm so bored, I might poke my eye out with a pencil just for fun" days last Wednesday at work.

I ended up at McSweeney's, which I've read quite infrequently over the years.

Below was a link to what appeared to be a dedication to someone that died.

It was a woman I'd never heard of.

Her name was Amanda Davis.

People who knew her submitted short essays, stories and thoughts about her.

I could not stop reading them.

Perhaps some or most of these folks were writers. Either way, their words and memories were so captivating. The way they talked about her made me wish I had met her myself and experienced what seemed to be a truly amazing life force.

This is going to sound really hokey, but I felt a weird connection to her, a need to know more about her.

I'm looking forward to reading both of her books, which I hope give me even more insight into who she was.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Holiday Shopping!

OK, so we are basically over our colds. Mostly.

And we have another day off...yessss.

Since Boat lost his wallet recently, we're headed to the DMV to replace his license, and then on to an outdoor shopping mall.

It's going to be 61 degrees today. Yessss.

I'm not sure what our plan of action is in terms of buying. We don't exactly have a list, so we may come home empty handed.

Either way, at least I'm not at work.

Thanksgiving was nice. I was thankful I could taste all of my mom's cooking.

Visiting Boat's family went pretty well too. His nephew is so cute and extremely feisty for 6 months.

That's about all I have to report. Sorry. I think I'm more in blogging mode when I'm not at home.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Things I Am Thankful For: 2005

-My Family. Even though I'm not super close with my brother, it's nice to know he's out there. My dad and I will always have a certain relationship that I'm learning to appreciate. Mom is a great friend. And my cousin, who watches over me like the big sister I never had.

-My Health. Growing up with allergies and asthma, I'm so happy that I rarely end up sick in bed anymore. And of course, not having any other serious illness or accident has been a good thing.

-My Boyfriend. Another Thanksgiving passes, and this time we'll be spending it together. He is my best friend, a loving, supportive person that I could not live without.

-My Friends. I may not see them a lot, but I know they're there for me if I need them. They are a unique group of people who I've had the pleasure of knowing over the years, seeing them grow and change and sometimes being a part of that.

-My Co-Workers. I doubt I'll ever work with such a laid back, easy going group of people again. I've been so fortunate that we all get along as an office. I really enjoy working with them, even when I'm hating my actual job. Out of the 18+ "careers" I've had over the years, I'm positive I wouldn't have gone out to dinner with them for fun, including my boss.

Those are my top five. A friend of mine mentioned health insurance as something she was thankful for and I couldn't agree more. I guess the overall feeling I have this year about being thankful is more simple than this list. It's that I'm alive, happy, and loved.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Not Going Down Without a Fight

I thought I was feeling better when I woke up this morning, but my symptoms have only changed a bit. Instead of a sore throat, I now have a runny nose, and still a bit of a cough.

Still no fever or headache, or any of that achy, sore feeling that often comes with being ill.

But still not 100% healthy.

It sucks because I haven't really been sick in over a year and now seems like a really crappy time to be under the weather. And it sucks even more that I've passed it on to Boat, who said he felt like "total crap" this morning.

However, I won't give in. As long as I remind myself that it could be much worse, I'm going to stay in the frame of mind that this is just a small cold and tomorrow I'll feel better.

So I'm arming myself with Dayquil, Nighquil, Puffs Plus (w. lotion), orange juice, hot tea and a lot of bedrest in the next 24 hours.

As soon as I get to leave work.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Annoying Ailment

Yesterday didn't go quite as well as I hoped.

We ended up ditching the movie so I could lie in bed all day. Which I did. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Judge Judy, Dr. Phil, and Ocean's 11. I also got up for a grilled cheese and chicken and rice soup and watched Degrassi High with Boat.

I felt bad that our day off was spent this way, but he didn't seem to mind too much.

Now I think he's coming down with the same thing, which makes me sad.

The thing is, I'm not sick in the classic sense. Usually, I have a pattern: sore throat, runny nose, cough, fever. But this time it's just this chest congestion that makes me want to clear my throat every 30 seconds.

I actually have a follow up doctor's appointment from a few months ago tonight, so maybe she'll prescribe something. But ya know what I think nowadays when it comes to going to the doctor? How much it costs. All of the co-pays and deductibles and prescriptions. It sucks.

Sometimes I feel like the whole state of health care in the United States is severly fucked up. It's a prime example of how EVERYthing is for sale, even staying healthy.

If you look at any small, third world community or tribe, a doctor is there to take care of the sick, not collect money. I'm not saying that medical professionals don't deserve to get paid, but the cost doesn't seem to justify the means.

I just think there needs to be a system of nurses, doctors, and specialists that are available and affordable to everyone. Because it seems extremely wrong to me that some people are given treatment and others are not simply based on income.

Monday, November 21, 2005

First Day as Asst. Director

And I have the day off.


So yeah, that was scheduled before I actually got the promotion. I'm sure my boss forgot, especially since he was at a conference, but oh well.

The weekend has been mostly pleasant, except for this annoying sore throat thing I've got going.

Just finished some blueberry pancakes (that I made myself!) and am waiting around til we leave to see "Shopgirl". I hope by then my stomach has made room for buttery movie popcorn.

As for the rest of the day: lowkey. Maybe some grocery shopping, cooking up a little dinner and preparing for what will be one short ass work week.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

By the way, as a complete aside, is anyone else bothered by those McDonald's commercials for the McRib? You know, the ones where people are coming into the dry cleaner with bbq sauce stains? Don't they look like blood stains and doesn't that disturb you?

Because it disturbs me.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Somebody STOP ME

Seriously, I do not care that Kimberly Stewart is engaged to Laguna Beach Boy, Talan. I especially am not intrigued by photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

I don't care about the rumors that Lindsay Lohan is engaged to Jared Leto. And I'm so not interested in Paris Hilton and her new Greek boyfriend.

I'm not losing any sleep over Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage.

As for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, please, so not worth picking up a People magazine to read about.

Nicole Kidman is apparently dating some country music star, but I know nothing about that.

In fact, I am not a big fan of gossip and Hollywood.

No, not me. Not at all.

Looking Forward To: The Little and The Big

-Friday night out with my co-workers
-Making a pom pon for Salem
-Yu's Mandarin with my folks
-The day off with Boat
-Two day work week
-Pumpkin pie
-Boat's nephew/God son
-Christmas shopping
-My first paycheck with the raise
-The Holidaze
-Bulls Vs. Mavericks
-Iron & Wine/Calexico
-Ixtapa, Mexico

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Personal Sales

I've had some experience lately with selling and or buying from people online.

This most recent incident has been selling furniture on Craigslist.

Let me just say: people are weird and flakey.

I've had a long, drawn out interaction with someone who's offered to buy stuff. They said they'd come last week, and never emailed back to say what day or time. Then they write this week that they'll come Wednesday night between 6-7 pm.

Boat and I go over to my apartment and wait out the hour.

No one shows.

Then this guy has the nerve to ask where *I* was last night and that some female voice answered him on the intercom and said no one by the name of "Bittersweet" lives there.

Since he didn't have my cell number, it's possible that he was running late and couldn't tell me.

But frankly, that's not my fault, or my problem.

His email back to me when I told him what I had gone through for him was long and slightly strange. He proceeds to detail every incident that happened up until arriving at my apartment. Things like, paying some non-refundable $40 fee for something or other, "forced to eat expensive north-side pizza", and having "his girl" complain about his incompetence. Then he ended his sorry-ass story with "I still am in need of a bed. What to do? What to do?".

My reply? Nothing.

I'm not going to respond. Sure, I'd like to defend my position and give a half-hearted apology for his ordeal, but why?

What can he do? He can buy a bed from someone else on Craigslist.

I'm not that desperate.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Making People Happy For a Living

I was sitting here in my office, stapling together papers to be filed (boring!) when a strange-ish looking man came through, with an expression that he was looking for someone.

He saw my name on the door with a huge package in brown paper and said it was for me.

I was perplexed, but quickly saw the name of a familiar florist.

He saw a picture of Boat and said he was probably the one who sent them. I said I didn't think so, only because he's never sent me flowers before.

It was actually my parents, who sent their congratulations and love with a beautiful arrangements of roses, lillies and irises.

They must have spent a pretty penny considering I told my mom a mere six hours ago about the promotion.

I started thinking, after seeing the man walk out the door and take one last glimpse back at me as I opened the package, that as much as being a delivery person must really suck sometimes, it must also be nice.

Here is someone who brings a smile to a stranger's face. It's usually a very special surprise and something they just happen to take part in, a sometimes intimate exchange between friends, families and lovers. A gesture that can range from sending get well wishes, to saying "I'm sorry" to a simple "hi".

I know that flowers are often thought of as silly by both men and women. They can be pricey and they die.

But I have always loved them.

Perhaps this sounds a little pathetic, but some of the most important, most memorable flowers came from my parents. A first corsage from my dad for my 8th grade dance, three roses in a silver heart-shaped vase for Valentine's Day one year, and now this arrangement.

I should call them now...

Sometimes Honesty Is The Best Policy

I've officially been promoted!

I have to admit, I'm thrilled from a salary aspect, though I'm not sure what the increase is yet. I hope to find out by the end of the day today.

I'm nervous about taking on the job. Not because I don't think I can do it, but because I've spent most of my days on the internet, wasting time. I can only assume this position will mean more responsibility, and more work.

My title will be "Assistant Director", which is kind of cool.

I was hoping to make X amount of money by the time I was 30, and I believe I've accomplished that 3 1/2 years early. I'm really quite proud that since 2001, I've increased my salary by nearly $15,000.

The best part is: I've gone into this telling my boss that I'm leaving for New York this summer. So I can feel good about accepting the position, knowing eventually I'll be moving on.

I hope this addition to my resume really boosts my chances of finding a job there. And I hope this means I'll be able to bargain for better pay once I'm there.

This may not have been the career I wanted, or will have in the future, but I'm glad I've come this far.

In many ways, I feel sort of like a hack for all of these successes. Not to sound so glib, but I admit it hasn't been incredibly hard. Perhaps the bad experiences I had at other offices is the karma that brought me here.

Or maybe it's just dumb luck.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Some Things Go Hand In Hand

I've resurrected my iPod.

It's been lent to a friend, given back, and hasn't been updated in at least a year.

I was sick of listening to CD's in my car and tired of flipping through radio stations.

So I've been enjoying my rides in, humming along to Death Cab For Cutie ("We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes", Postal Service ("Give Up"), Fiona Apple ("Tidal"), Massive Attack ("100th Window") and random cuts like Michael Jackson ("Remember The Time") and Morrissey ("The More You Ignore Me").

But there is one album that so perfectly fits with weather like today, a first realization that the nights start early and the cold hangs in the air just enough to make you draw your coat in up to the neck.

Maybe it's not the right kind of music to start your day, with its lullaby harmonies. However, it does come through with some raucous percussion and guitars.

The lyrics aren't quite sad enough to keep you from singing along and just depressing enough to hear the words and make you think.

If you find yourself falling in love with music because it's struck a mood chord, than you'll know what I'm talking about.

It's Ida "I Know About You".

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Constant Beat Down

I'm sick of the naysaying.

Perhaps it's karma, since I've spent much of my life being a naysayer, or at least, a naythinker.

But I'm worn down from it.

I don't want anymore questions about New York.

We're going.

In our minds, we've already made plans, started saving, started thinking about our future there.

We might fail. We might not.

We might hate it. We might want to come home. We might stay.

I'm tired of the speculation, especially when it's coming from every person around me.

To be honest, I don't care what you think. If you want to be happy for us, excited for us, that's great. If you have advice or want to point out someone or some place out there that might be able to help us, we'd appreciate it.

But if you're just going to sit there and question everything, wonder how and why and what if, then please just keep it to yourself.

Probably Not That Healthy...

But can I pretend?

Boat came with me last night as I perused the aisles of Trader Joe's. I thought I'd get inspired with creative lunch options. But I ended up taking his suggestion to eat peanut butter and jelly this week. It's actually not bad advice since I was craving it.

I love reading all of the front labels (AKA, not the nutritional values), "No preservatives!", "No hydrogenated oils!", "Organic!". So I fool myself into believing that I can eat lots of these things since they are not processed. Even the trail mix with peanuts, almonds, raisins and chocolate pieces seemed like a reasonable, lo cal snack.

Plus, everything is so cheap!

I've been on a chai tea/French vanilla creamer kick, so I was elated to find instant DECAFFINCATED chai latte mix. Without thought, I scooped up large can and brought it into work today.

Lo and behold, there are 130 calories and 24 grams of sugar PER SERVING.


People Are Assholes: Case # 1,938,452

Today I was twenty minutes late to work because of traffic.

Traffic being caused by a light out at a fairly major intersection.

We were backed up about six blocks.

When I finally got to the broken light, there were stop signs tied up to the posts.

People had the nerve to go three cars at a time, instead of two.

I don't know why folks can't just follow the rules of a stop sign.

Or better yet, why there wasn't someone directing traffic.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Maybe I'm Wrong, But...

Since Bush isn't up for re-election in 2008, why does he bother to defend any decision he makes?

Seriously, does he honestly care what anyone thinks of him at this point? Even if his approval rating is 0, what can we do about it now?

Oh wow, even REPUBLICANS have bad things to say about him.

Even FOX news reports that things aren't going well for him

Perhaps we made a mistake! Maybe we shouldn't have gone into war! Maybe someone else should have appointed the head of FEMA.

Well boofuckinghoo, it's too late.

So ra ra ra to all of you who finally got a clue that Bush isn't capable of much, especially running this country.

Babies, Toddlers, Children, Kids

There's been a lot of baby talk lately.

OK, not so much talk, but blog/website fodder.

From trying to get pregnant, to your younger sister popping one out, to an inquiry as to whether or not I want to have kids.

Do I want kids? Well, I can't say either way.

Let's just say, I've never been on the fast track to finding a husband, settling down and having a family. And maybe for some, that doesn't happen till they meet the right person. Or to be more specific, maybe it's not till they're with someone who is really gung ho about having kids, sharing in that enthusiasm.

Currently I'm not ready to have children, nor have I given it much thought in the future, and my boyfriend is probably even further away from thinking about it.

It's an interesting topic all around. Do all of us innately want to reproduce? As humans who've moved beyond the state of being an animal because supposedly we think and feel more, or something, should we be more inclined to adopt?

Is it selfish to want your own kids when there are hundreds and thousands, if not millions, of children who have no families, ready to be adopted?

I lean towards "no".

Personally, the idea of giving up my entire life for someone else, even my own baby, sounds extremely unappealing. Yet, when someone pointed out that it's a wonderful feeling to NOT think about yourself first, I took that to heart. Perhaps life isn't all about ME, all of time.

I don't know.

Either way, I don't blame people for wanting or not wanting kids. It's a personal choice. Who's going to be the one to prescreen whether or not we'd make good parents?

I do think that there are plenty of people out there who shouldn't have kids. Like the woman on the bus who asked her daughter "what the fuck do you want?" or the lady at the bowling alley who "didn't give a shit what the fuck" someone had said to her son because "no one acts that fucking way".

But hey, who am I to judge?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Mothers and Daughters

A woman in our office passed away a month or so ago. Today is her birthday and her daugheter, who works in the same building, is providing lunch for everyone, to celebrate.

This sentiment and also reading another girl's blog about recent drama with her mother, made me think of my own mother and my cousin too.

I think I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. We're friends, and at this point in my life, I don't have many secrets. At least, there aren't that many things to hide as an adult versus a teenager.

We talk a couple of times a week. I really should make a bigger effort to see her. I actually look forward to the times I drive home to hang out, or meet up with her in the city.

I know she'd love nothing more than for me to move back home and spend EVERY day with her. But she hasn't held on tight enough to prevent me from having my freedom. She's never balked at my profession or my choices about college. She doesn't berate me for moving every year, though like most people, she points out that this isn't the wisest of decisions. She likes my boyfriend and supports our relationship. She doesn't care that I'll be moving in with him soon and that we're planning to move to New York. She rarely tries to stop me from doing the things I want to do and lets me fall so I learn how to get up again.

She doesn't need me too much. What I mean is that she is a pretty independent person her self.

On the other hand, there's my cousin. An only child who still lives with her mother at the age of 36. She's had the same job since she was 18. Her dad left them about five or six years ago, though they still have an awkward relationship where he takes her grocery shopping because neither her or her mother can drive.

Everyone sees that she is "trapped" by her mother who is reliant on her in more ways than she can admit. This year she turns 70.

My cousin had a chance to leave. She was married several years ago, but it only lasted ten months and she ended up back in her childhood home.

But now, just as she always has been, she will be responsible for taking care of my aunt as she gets older, as her health fails her.

Maybe my cousin is happy with this scenario. I don't know. I get the feeling that she isn't so pleased sometimes. She'll tell me I'm young, that I should do the things I want to do. My other aunt loves to point out how much more I've experienced, and I'm ten years younger.

A mother and daughter have a unique bond. I think of this woman at work who lost her mother. She's probably in her early 30's.

I don't think I'll ever be truly ready for my mom to die. Who is? But I know for certain, I'm not ready to lose her now or in the near future.

Making a Bad Situation Worse

I like to read the Chowhound's Home Cooking website everday. It's bad enough that I do this before eating breakfast and throughout the day while I'm work.

But yesterday I came across a post about what to do with leftover Halloween candy.

We have a good amount of it, so I thought this suggestion was a good one: make cookies and use the chocolate bars as a center.

So this is what I did last night. I made homemade peanut butter cookies with Crunch bar, Snickars, Hershey and Reese's.

Now they are sitting at the apartment begging me to eat them. All.

Yeah, it's a fun way of using the Halloween candy. But it doesn't solve the problem of eating too much of it.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Thinking About...

-Christmas shopping
-Electric blanket
-Toaster oven
-Al Pastor tacos
-Steak from Wildfire
-Baking cookies using leftover Halloween candy
-Days off
-It only being Wednesday
-Using my iPod in the car again

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I cannot stand articles like this one:

If you don't care to read it, it's about how Asian American women date white men over any other bi-racial couple out there.

My respone? Who the fuck cares? I don't care why other Asian girls date white guys. I don't care if there appears to be a trend.

It's completely ass backwards that we're supposed to be colorblind and embrace equality, yet we judge people that look like us because they date outside of their race.

Might I point out that dating another Asian wouldn't even be considered dating within your race, because last I checked, there is in fact a difference between a Chinese person and Japanese person.

To tell you the truth, besides my own family, I only know of ONE OTHER JAPANESE AMERICAN guy my age in the whole fucking city. I'm not joking.

I'm not under the spell of some Asian fetishist.

What annoys me is that other Asian Americans want to persecute me for "loving the white man".

It's like saying it's impossible, or more accurately, wrong, to be with someone who doesn't look like you.

Now who's the fucked up one?

Monday, November 07, 2005


I wish it weren't so, but a woman I have to work with is a fucking bitch.

Not only is she a bitch, but she's extremely unintelligent, unprofessional and just downright ignorant.

Day in and day out I put up with her, as well as my other co-workers and entire office.

She just sits there, chewing out customers, people she works with and even her manager.

Everyday I wish she were fired. Everyday, I feel like going off on her.

One day I will.

And I Thought I Was Pretty Selfish

My co-worker leaves next week and we decided to go out to dinner after work as a sort of "goodbye".

He and I talked about where he wanted to go and who he wanted to be there.

Outside of our own, small office, he wanted to extend an invitation to a higher up in another department, someone he considers a friend.

I made a reservation and sent out a group email to name the location and time.

Our adminstrative assisant came over and questioned why this person had been invited. I told her it was at the request of our co-worker.

She then told me in private that she felt uncomfortable around this person because they never talk to one another and that she would probably not go to dinner.

I was annoyed. First, IT'S NOT HER DINNER. If it was her dinner than she could invite whomever she wanted and exclude anyone she wanted.

But this is for our co-worker. And we're doing this FOR HIM, so why doesn't she just suck it up?

Seriously. I hate this kind of shit. I mean, if I thought this person had been outright mean to our adminstrative assistant, then I'd understand. But she's refusing simply out of having a dislike. This extra person isn't what SHE wanted, so she wants out.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Sometimes we make sacrifices for other people. I really do believe that. If you care about someone and want to show them how much you care, or make them happy because they deserve to be, than sometimes you do things out of your comfort zone, or hell, things you hate, because it really isn't that much skin off your back.

No, not all of the time. But in situations like these, times when in all reality you may never see this person again after working with them for almost four years, then you just say "fuck it" and roll with the punches.

In case you're wondering, I'm not saying this because I'M selfish and just want her to be there. I mean, I do, but I'm still going and planning on having a good time. I'm not accusing her of ruining anything by not going either. I'm just really disappointed and a bit incredulous about her behavior.


The school I went to when I was living in Missouri was part of a state or city initiative that bussed inner-city kids into our school. Mind you, there probably wasn't a black kid in sight in terms of my neighborhood, but the ratio of blacks to whites at my school was about 35:65.

When I was about seven or eight years old, I semi-befriended a girl named Brandy in my class. I'm not sure how good of friends we even were, but apparently enough to make my mom believe we were close.

One day she asked if I'd like to invite Brandy over for the weekend. I was fine with this, seeing as it, I loved sleepovers. We offered to pick her up. She lived in a very sketch part of St. Louis. I think I could sense my mother's fear, whether or not it was based on fact or ignorance.

Brandy was poor. As far as I could tell by her dirty, torn up clothes and the fact that she didn't always smell very good, I figured she just couldn't afford better.

Who knows how aware I was of such things back then. I think enough to know that she and I came from two different places, two different families, but were expected to succeed at the same level in school. Who knows how many of many of us showed up to class hungry and how many of us didn't.

But there wasn't much to assume when a particular group of kids came in looking rather shabby and on the school lunch program.

It's strange now to look back and see that I was one of very few Asian kids in my class. How I joined Girls Scouts only to find out my troop leader was an out and out racist. Though nothing was directed at me because it seemed my skin color was just light enough and my parents spoke perfect English enough for me to blend in with all of the blondes and burnettes.

I grew up a "priveledged minority".

I thought when I moved to the city it would be a great way to expose myself to more, to perhaps discover a little of my Asian roots, be around Asian people and minorities in general.

While it probably has opened my eyes up more, made me a tad bit more well-rounded, I feel that I've only become more jaded, and probably, a little more racist because of it.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Thoughts, Stories and Commentary

1) Yesterday a nun gave me a bus transfer.
2) My co-worker kept saying my name after every sentence.
3) Today I saw the scariest truck on Earth. It was a dark army green/brown and the back had a large wall of CHAINS and was partially clothed by a ripped up tarp. It looked like something out of a scary POW movie.
4) Bandaids are necessary sometimes. Like today, I have to wear one on my finger because the burn I got last week is scabbing and peeling and is just gross. Not only do I not want people to stare it, I honestly believe if I left it exposed it might get infected. And the truth is, I never think that cuts get infected, but this one is just asking for it.
5) I think I'm going to get in trouble for clocking out 5 minutes early last night. It was an honest mistake. One, I thought it was at least 8:16 (I was scheduled to work at 8:20). Second, it was the first time I was clocking out (or in for that matter) by myself, so I was all nervous and someone was standing right next to me waiting and she had to help me and I felt stupid.
6) I think my manager thinks I am an ass. When I pointed out that I was told I wouldn't work two weekend days, he said he scheduled me per the availability I gave him. This is true, but if I'm told I won't work both Saturday and Sunday and am available those days, then it's up to you to choose ONE or the OTHER.
7) Retail is hella lame. I was told to straighten up every sweater because they had a "visit" by someone from corporate. I can't imagine this being my full-time job: worrying about perfectly folded sweaters so we look all nice and tidy for some asshole at corporate.
8) I believe my boss is trying to push me to apply for my co-worker's position. Which is nice, in light of the post I made earlier about feeling like I was overlooked. But I can't take it and I'm not sure how to explain why without insinuating that I'm planning on leaving. Soon.
9) My chai tea + fat free vanilla creamer creation has already lost its appeal. I don't know. I mean, it sounds perfectly delightful still, I just don't want it.
10) I'm craving a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich. Ya know what's holding me up? Deciding what kind of bread I want. For some strange reason, plain white bread, like the Wonderbread kind, sounds appalling. But so does eating one on whole wheat or multigrain.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Little Things...As Sugar Coated As I Make Them

Gaper's Block put up a question on "Fuel" asking what song you associate with a first crush or first significant relationship.

Since me and the boyfriend don't really have a song, per se, I chose one that I remember from a guy I had a minor infatuation with my sophomore year in high school.

For all of the bad things that happened, or dull moments, there are things that stick out in my mind and most of them have to do with one of my crushes. This is because I had a thousand of them and as my best friend at the time pointed out, I got soclose to having some kind of thing with them, so much closer than other girls.

I was by no means popular. If anything, those girls hated me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. Strangely enough, I had the best luck in two of my math classes. Maybe they thought I was smarter than I really was.

Either way, it was these encounters I can look back on (when asked questions such as the Gaper's Block inquiry).

Like A. running into me at the tennis courts and accidentally breaking my racket. Or K. who used to sit with just me during Commons to work on math and eat Fruit Loops. Or J. talking to me all through class and eventually getting moved by our teacher.

It was these small things that made me feel special, momentarily. And yeah, the build up only meant falling that much further, that much harder.

But they happened. Even if my memory fuzzes out some of the details, they're written permanently in my past.

Exuse me while I RAGE

OK, it's not that serious. I can already see why I'm going to have blood pressure problems. And it's not just because of heredity.

I decide to see if they updated my schedule at the seasonal job. Everything is online now, not paper. Now, let me make clear that I'm fully aware that this is a seasonal job. I know that the whole purpose of working during the holiday season is to be there for the holiday shoppers. This means that I will most likely have to work the day after Thanksgiving and most likely, Christmas. I agreed to those terms.

However, I was told, by my manager, that they would not work me both weekend days, seeing as it, I have a full-time job. Fine. Great.

But when I went into the e-schedule today, I see that I have to work the Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday after Thanksgiving. That, my friends, is not going to happen. I don't care that it's going to be a busy time. I don't care that I signed up for this job as seasonal work. You do NOT tell me that I won't work a full weekend, unless begged, and then schedule it.

On a lighter, but just as annoying note, our fucking copier is broken down. I can't stress enough that half, if not more, of my job is directly related to using a fucking copy machine. That may sound pathetic, but it's true. I have to copy every fucking piece of paper that sits on my desk. And when the copier is broken for THREE FUCKING DAYS, nothing gets moved from my desk. Instead, it all sits here in a big fucking pile annoying the living shit out of me.

And finally, I tried to resolve a situation over the phone with a customer service representative who insisted that information that was submitted, presumably by me, was incorrect. And even after I faxed them proof that this number was correct, she still had the nerve to say "something" went wrong and it couldn't have been an error on their part. What made me really angry is that I asked what my options were and said I'd think about it. She took the liberty of making changes before I made a decision, and then got upset with ME because of the fax. When she called she acted as if *I* was the one confusing HER. Here's a hint: don't make changes that I didn't request.

It's 9:11 a.m. and today sucks. By the way, I also have to work the seasonal job tonight. Hoo. Ray.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Don't Leave Me Hanging

Today I had a half day. I went to do a research survey and got paid $125...but that's for another post.

Anyway, I had some time to kill, so I went into Nordstrom's Rack, hoping to find some work attire. My second job requires that I wear all black, and as much of that as I have, I need more.

I spent a good hour finding things and trying them on. I had a pile of stuff, two pairs of pants, a few tank tops, two sweaters and a nice pair of short winter boots, lined and water proof.

When I went downstairs to check out, there was a huge line. I had to be at work in thirty minutes and there was no way I was going to make it on time.

I went back upstairs, dumped everything in a dressing room and left.

If they had had enough cashiers, I would have been a pretty good customer.

Instead, I saved myself at least $150.


With the assistant director leaving his position in a couple of weeks, I honestly hadn't thought much about being asked to take it over.

But today my boss mentioned that the position will be posted on the internal human resources site and a site that's a part of our profession.

It was the true indication that I will not be asked.

And to be honest, even though circumstances really don't allow for me to accept it, I'm kind of upset.

I've been here for over two years, have four years of experience and was promoted to a coordinator position at my first job after only six months. I was able to apply for it just like everyone else, and was given the promotion.

Here, it's already been decided that I'm not qualified, or something else is going on that's preventing my boss from offering it to me.

Perhaps I should really examine my work ethic and my basic distaste for the job. Maybe I should really think about how I don't do much to exceed expectations around here. I don't actually have a good reason for getting promoted besides the fact that I'm next in terms of seniority.

However, I think it takes a bit of nerve for my boss to hire someone from the outside, who will end up becoming my boss, and have to acknowledge, even if just a little bit, that I'm being passed up.

It seems to add fuel to my reasons for leaving. If I'm not offered the one position that would allow me to move up here, why should I stay?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Tuesday, November 1st

-Can I get some carbonara up in this piece?
-Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to be offered my co-worker's job who's leaving. I have no idea.
-Had a weird encounter with a woman in my office who claimed my boss is racist and now possibly sexist. Slightly. Uncomfortable.
-Have been thinking more about "The Platinum Rule: treat others as THEY want to be treated". It sounds kind of corny, but perhaps it's true. Except, the only way you can really know how someone wants to be treated is by asking them and that's not always possible.
-I'm having serious issues with pants lately. AKA: they are too small. The waist bands have been digging into my stomach when I sit down and it's very uncomfortable.
-I wish I was the type of person who could sit in a bath for more than fifteen minutes. It's relaxing, but I can't hang.
-Since I started knitting, I can't help but examine sweaters and scarves for their patterns. Not that I could make anything nearly as advanced, but it's a different way of looking at things.
-No More Subway.
-Speaking of knitting, I have a bunch of scarves that I could start wearing, but realized I'm so not a scarf person.
-Trying to come up with a Christmas list is hard.